crazy mixed up beauty (pre-halloween & post-final paper musings)

Last night, I can't sleep.

I found it very unusual especially during these times when there are a lot of things to do and you just wish that you could stay in bed and relax. And breathe.

Just for a little while.

Last night, I've finished one major paper and i was..what's the word? Happy? Yeah, maybe. But there's a better word out there. I just can't figure it out yet.

I can't sleep. Why was that? I was tired and felt like my brain had just been extremely drained but, well, it just would not let me sleep. I had once this philosophy that you cannot really sleep when you keep thinking that you can't sleep. It's like some 'power of the mind' thing; and that those who tell you that they are insomniacs are really not insomniacs, they just want to be recognized as such as if it's "cool" to be like a nocturnal animal. Well, that's just me talking but it's a sleep disorder more than anything.

I can't sleep. I had counted sheep before but I could not remember if that was helpful. I also used to imagine myself walking up a flight of stairs and I would count every step. THAT was helpful. And still is. Sometimes, I would stop walking up and imagine that I have already reached a place. A beautiful place. I would be there and imagine a thousand wonderful things. Then, I would fall asleep.

But last night, I can't sleep. I couldn't sleep anymore at my room. Not without anyone to share the bed with me and I honestly would not want it shared again with some girl I don't even know. I can't risk sleeping alone at night but... we can't escape our dreams either. Maybe that's why freddy krueger and 1408 scare the hell out of me--Nobody does it better than anything out of my control. You don't know how you're going to escape. You don't know what's going to happen. It's out of your hands.

The unknown. It always scares us. Maybe that's why LIFE is so scary.

Last night, I can't sleep. Not because something was lurking in the shadows or someone was whispering my name. Nothing of those scary 'tactics". Not because Halloween is close at hand and I'm imagining all the bad spirits rising from the ground (like in that movie Ghost. haha). Well, Halloween IS near but I dont think the thought of all those halloween creatures crap kept me awake.

I was wide awake after a long, exhausting day when I should have been sleeping (probably snoring too--If I am to exaggerate my sleep deprivation ;p). I had to be reminded that I am in UP and suffering is mandatory. I know it sucks to suffer but after all the hard work, you just have to be grateful for all the learning you had.

I can't sleep. I thought of so many things (something we all probably do when we have nothing to do). I thought of people. Of school. Of work. Of life; but most especially I thought of people. Family, new friends, old friends, loved ones--I thought about them. I thought of how fast time flies. I thought of things I did right. The things I did wrong. Things I would wish to do.

I can't sleep and I realized that I was not alone. All of us share the same sentiments. Sometimes, we just have to sit for a while and reflect. Sometimes we just have to lie down and reflect. Sometimes we just have to stop and think about..everything.

Maybe that was why I can't sleep last night. After finishing my requirements in school and after spending so much time working, maybe it was time to spend some time for my self. Think about...everything.

Maybe I would forget the things I thought about last night. In fact. I can barely recall them now. :p; but Rob Thomas says: the end we will only just remember how it feels... I could not agree more. All I could remember was that I can't sleep last night and everything else I felt, but not much details. I could only just remember how everything feels. To win. To lose. To laugh. To cry. To hurt. To wish. To hope. To love.

I woke up this morning (almost forgetting that I still have a class to attend! hehe) not fee;ing sleep-deprived nor tired at all. I woke up like I just stepped out of some machine that stripped me off all my negative energies. haha. :) Kidding aside, I woke up with a newfound sense of serenity.

How about tomorrow? I don't know.

I do know that my day would be good day. In spite of my monthly obnoxious PMS.

It's gonna be ok, as long as we laugh out loud--laugh like we're mad, 'cause this crazy mixed up beauty is all that we have. Because what's love, but an itch we can't scratch, a joke we can't catch...god, but still we laugh.
--good day, jewel.


  1. I like the humor at the end. You seem like a gifted writer. keep it up!


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